I wonder...

 I wonder, what if I can never be myself again? I wonder, do seriously my college is the reasons I became like this. Do college is the first time that I became like this. I wonder. I want to know why and I want to know the reasons behind all of this. I want answers and I think no one can give it to me other than myself, I don’t know. After all, I just wat to know the truth about myself. I am just sure that, I became like this started when I first study in this college. At the same time, I was thinking, do she really also the reasons I became like this. I started know her in college also, and she basically ghosted me now, and I thought to myself, is she also the reasons I became worst. I don’t want to blame any as I do not think that this is all her fault.

Started on just being anxious always, keep on feeling nauseous and rapid heart beating or palpitations. Now, it became much worst cause sometimes, I will have the mental breakdown all in a sudden. Just the sudden urge of feeling like crying or urge of energetic and happy moments, but weird kind of happy like feeling so agitated and restless. Not to mention, the feelings of depressed at most of the time. The feelings of hopeless, unworthy and not loved by anyone. Even there are many people told me that I am loved by so many, I still can’t really get that fact as I don’t feel love. I am not even love myself maybe is the reasons why it’s just so hurt. I also doesn’t have the energy to go to any place that people will be filled up the space unless I have to. I really do not want to involve with any people especially with the people that I know. The tiredness is always there even after falling asleep. Honestly, sometimes I just want to get high because I do not want to think about life most of the time. Become high is the least dangerous right> rather than I said I just want to leave this world even that is what I really want.

All I could think is how I can continue my life after all of this. I am an expectation to my parents. They set a really high expectation in me. Thinking that I can manage English and become one of the best students in kpimim college, continue my journey to degree, masters and PhD. That’s what they think of me, to be successful and become proud of me. Byt what I am now, I am such a failure in everything. Waking up from the bed also is one of the hardest things to do, imagine all these kinds of expectations that they put in me. How am I going to prove myself in this condition? honestly, my family doesn’t know about a thing regarding this matte, cause yeah, they probably don’t understand me about this matter. Friends, yeah, few of them knew.

I want to know the truth about myself.

Once, early in January in 2022, I was having an online consultation with a doctor and he is a clinical phycologist, I think. The purpose of the consultation is one way to get the answers for myself. After about one hour or more, and literally told everything to him, he summarized me about my condition. he summarized me and told me that I suffered a major depression and anxiety. He told me that. He also suggests few of the medicine to me, but he advised to me, to think about it first because of maybe some things that I have to be considered too. He also suggests that I should join a counselling session to makes me feel better. So that is why he still doesn’t prescribe me anything. Somehow, o still does not fee satisfied with it. I feel like there is still something wrong with me. I don’t know but I feel like I am sure there is something wrong about me I still want to know the truth. Maybe, I should meet the doctor by having face-to-face meeting to be sure of anything. Hurm, but I am sure it will take some time too. All in all, I just want to say that is all what o am feeling and I don’t know what else to do. If you told me to change my mindset and all of that, please know that I have already tried as hard as I can be to make it better and think of something good. If you people know me, I am a positive person and always look at the bright side person and always try to make others feel good about themselves.

I think that is all from me. 

Comments

  1. Anisyalala25 February 2022 at 05:40

    thanks for this honest entry dear :) your name is always in my prayer

    ReplyDelete
  2. Kookiesfirstlove4 March 2022 at 08:14

    this was so inspiring to read :) stay strong my fav soldier!

    ReplyDelete

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